Patricia and Darrell

...just one last thing

Darrell and Patricia

This is my sister and brother in law.  I like to think of them as unconventionally conventional, or conventionally unconventional: in some ways they are a typical American family, and in others they are definitely not.   They have four grown children who are all unique, intelligent adults who are following their own paths,  forging their own way in the world. (See Taylor and Peggy post) Theirs is a lively family, and I've always marveled at the creativity and humor that is at the heart of their family dynamic.  

Patricia and Darrell posed for this photo at Josh and Liz's wedding.  When I asked Patricia about posting their photo, she said emphatically "Go ahead! Power to the people!"  She wasn't sure about Darrell's feelings about the Marriage amendment, maybe he hasn't made up his mind.  But this is what I am encouraged about: he enthusiastically posed with his wife, gave her a big smooch, and was not shy about being a LoveBird.  What could be better?  The world needs more LoveBirds!  

I wanted to close this out with something that Patricia and David's mother was fond of saying:

'Kindness is to do or say the kindest thing in every way"

The kindest thing to do is to 

Vote No.  

Everyone has the right to be LoveBirds!

Angela and Jason

On the eve of the vote: the final Lovebirds

Angela and Jason, Ian and Ada

Angela and Jason wanted to make this a family portrait because they want their children to grow up knowing that gender shouldn't be a reason why people can't marry.  

I love this little family and I love these kids.  So much has been made about the potential affects of this vote on the children,  but I think people underestimate kids.  Not much gets past Ada, she is sharp and pretty tenacious, I have a feeling she won't suffer fools...I like to think she is the smartest kid I know, but it seems I know quite a few really smart and thoughtful children...kids are curious, they want to know about the world, and answering their questions succinctly and honestly is generally the best plan. Kids can tell when grownups lie or are evasive.  If kids respond with anxiety, it is probably not because of the information in and of itself, it is because they know they are being lied to, and don't know why, and by someone they trust.  

I'd really love to see this book everyone has so much fear about, the one about the kid with two dads.  Ask any of the kids who heard the story, I bet the only thing they care about is whether it was a good story or a lame one.  Even little kids know a good story when they hear it.  Is the little boy in the story happy?  Does he have an adventure?  Do his parents take him to the zoo or the park?  Does he go to school? Have a dog?  Sometimes books that are meant to teach kids about a sensitive subject are just plain boring to kids.  The part of the story that makes the parents squeamish, the two dads part, is just a detail, albeit an  important detail, but perhaps not as important as the big dinosaur or the talking cat in the big hat.  

When I was a child, my 3rd grade teacher read the Boxcar Children books to us. The books were about some kids who lived in a boxcar in the woods and had no parents at all and they survived very well and had very exciting adventures.  (I can't imagine these stories being read to children in school today, people must think they are inappropriate now). I don't remember being particularly disturbed by the fact that they had to fend for themselves with no parents at all, I just loved the adventures!  There are probably a lot of children whose family's are less than ideal, who wish they too, could live unafraid without grownups who are cruel.  Despite growing up in traditional families, kids can still feel that their family is different for any number of reasons.  I think kids are concerned that the characters in the story survive no matter what the situation, it makes them feel more secure about their own lives.  If that kid does ok, then I might be ok too.  Kids read all kinds of stories when they are young, some with one parent or two parents, or none.  Cinderella and Hansel and Gretel had terrible parents, but these stories are considered classics, and the kids triumph over the neglectful grownups.  The one with the two dads is just another story to children and they probably don't understand what the fuss is all about, especially if the parents in question are kind.  If the story is good in their estimation, they'll ask to hear it again and again, if it isn't, they won't.   End of story.

Ali and Patrick

Ali and Patrick

 Married: November 27,1992

We were introduced to Ali and Patrick by Toni and Lisa (see 9/24 post).  Over the years through that connection we have become friends.  As a vet, Ali introduced us to our beloved dog Ruby and in his capacity as a lawyer, Patrick helped us navigate a tricky situation.  We have decorated Easter Eggs, gathered amid a menagerie of pets to watch election returns in their home, and celebrated birthdays.  They and their two young children were among the family and friends who gathered to surprise me on my 50th birthday (a highlight of which, was having those two kids sing "Happy Birthday" to me in Chinese).  

Ali and Patrick are typical of a lot of young families today in that they are completely progressive in their social lives, but very conscious of the values of tradition and family.  While they each adopted the other's last name, joined and hyphenated, in a thoroughly modern way, they expect their children to refer respectfully to adults as 'aunty' and 'uncle' in the traditional Chinese manner (Ali's mother is from China).  

It has been a delight to watch their two children, Quinn and Elliot, grow up.  Both, in their own distinctive ways, are intelligent, sensitive and thoughtful children.  Ali's facebook posts of car conversations with the kids truly knock me out, these children are always thinking about and observing their world. They are growing up with the knowledge that Aunty Toni and Aunty Lisa are married, they are a couple, and it makes no difference to them.  As they get older they are more aware of the controversy surrounding the concept, but personally, they only care that Lisa and Toni are people who love and care for them.  

With all the pressures on families these days, the last one people should be worried about is the impact same sex marriage will have on the children....from personal experience and observation I know this is a non-issue...all kids care about is that there are adults in their lives who genuinely love and nurture them, who cares what gender they are, when they have a cool fish in the fish tank (Lisa) and like to dance (Toni)?  Kids will only have a problem with same sex marriage if their parents do. 

Taylor and Peggy

This is Taylor and Peggy

Married July 2, 2007

This is our nephew Taylor and his wife Peggy at Josh and Liz's wedding, where we had set up the sign for the evening.  

These two have no trouble being lovebirds...I don't  know many couples who are  as perfect for each other as they are.   Seriously.... I have heard of few wives who are as passionate about football as Peggy is, a dream come true for a young man whose high school and college years were dominated by the sport.  But theirs is truly a marriage of equals and it is obvious they have enormous respect and affection for one another.  They also know how to have a good time.  I am thrilled for the baby they are expecting: there's going to be a whole lot of love and fun growing up in this family... and support, no matter who that child falls in love with!

Here's another football player making some noise about same sex marriage: Chris Kluwe

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/20/sports/football/punter-chris-kluwes-voice-is-heard-in-same-sex-marriage-debate.html?pagewanted=all

For All

For All Promotion

For All comes from the creative minds at Zeus Jones, a Minneapolis firm that is rethinking the model for marketing and branding.  This year they decided to take on the Vote No initiative and produced these bright orange rings, taking the ubiquitous charity wrist band to a new level by making it a marriage band. Brilliant.  

I'm told they spent many hours packaging all the cards and rings themselves and they give them away at no charge.  My friend Angela and I stopped by their office (there's a designated entrance) to pick up our rings, but they are available from their website and many local business are joining in and have them available too.   

 http://www.zeusjones.com/blog/2012/taking-a-stance-in-support-of-gay-marriage-a-different-kind-of-passion-project/

Josh and Liz

This is Josh and Liz

Married October 20, 2012

This is our son Josh and our lovely new daughter-in-law Liz.

We fully intended to take this photo in their wedding regalia.  We even relocated the Lovebirds sign to the reception in hopes that they and their guests would take their pictures and show their support for the Vote No initiative by posting their photos.  But as these things go, we were all having so much fun, we forgot to get the photo and had to do a quick pic the morning we were off to drop them at the airport...so it's still dark and a little rainy, but that's life, right?  Best intentions and life interventions.  So it goes in a marriage, too, you make a lot of plans and have many expectations, and stuff happens.  A sense of humor helps.  If nothing else, these two have this going for them...they know how to laugh.

As I said, Josh and Liz were enthusiastic about bringing the sign to the wedding.  Many weddings celebrated this year are including a "Vote No" component to the festivities in an effort to call attention to the inequities surrounding the proposed amendment.  In fact, we recently attended the wedding of a young couple, dear friends of Josh and Liz's, in which the entire wedding party wore small, elegant white ribbons to show their support.  

It feels like such a small, passive thing to do, wearing a ribbon or putting up a sign, but it is so important to do it...reaching one or two people at these intimate events could start a wave of changing attitudes.  I have hope.  The best conversation I heard about from the wedding reception involved the bride's father (see John and Nancy post) and went something like this:

Guest: "What's that sign about?"

John:   "It's voicing an opposition to the proposed marriage amendment."

Guest: "Are there gay people here at the wedding?"

John:   "Listen, if every gay person had a light bulb over their heads, you'd need a welder's

             mask to see them!"

Birchwood Love Birds!

Vote No Cookie from Birchwood Cafe!

Stop into the Birchwood Cafe in South Minneapolis and get a delicious cookie and show your support for Vote No!

WOOT! WOOT! WOOT!

 http://www.birchwoodcafe.com/

Find out more at:
https://www.facebook.com/BirchwoodCafeMpls

John and Nancy

John and Nancy:  Married since 1974

These are our soon to be in laws, John and Nancy.  Their daughter, Liz, is marrying our son, Josh, in one week and we couldn't be happier about it.  This really is the best of all possible worlds: one in which we all get along!  Josh and Liz are ideally suited to each other and as parents we truly love and respect them both and have enjoyed watching their relationship grow and mature.  We often shake our heads in wonder at our extreme good fortune in that we all really do LIKE one another and enjoy each other's company, Nancy and John have become dear friends and we know how rare that is.  

The idea of "In-Laws" got me thinking and I did a little (and I mean a little! ) research into the concept, and there have been a lot of rules that have come and gone that define this extended relation status and I think it reflects the current marital uproar we find ourselves in. It all revolves around the idea of affinity... relationships that arise from a 'valid' marriage in the Catholic church and the prohibitions regarding future marriages within those relations, as far as I can tell.  It's really complicated.  It seems to me though, that as our culture has advanced, and scientific knowledge about human genetics has evolved, many of these rules have become obsolete.  

Having recently accompanied Josh and Liz to get their marriage license, I witnessed them swear that they were not closer in blood relationship than second cousins, though it seems that that is not necessarily an impediment to marriage.  (Interestingly, one does have to indicate whether or not one is a convicted felon).  So, it's no longer an impediment to marriage if your intended is the daughter of your step father or having intercourse with someone, not your spouse, does not bar you from marrying their sibling.  I found it especially interesting that the church could grant a dispensation and allow certain marriages to take place, despite the bans decreed by affinity: "...it is also clear that the Church used the ability to grant dispensations from the rule as a means of gaining both power and money from the nobility, as most royal marriages, given the limited circle of families involved, breached these limits."  (Wikipedia)  

No wonder people are confused about what constitutes marriage, when all the ensuing relationships have been made so complicated, confusing and are ever changing, with roots stemming from Mosaic and Roman Law, but with special consideration made for the wealthy and powerful....hmmm.  It seems apparent that there were different sets of moral law applied at the whim of church leaders.  Why are people still looking to Leviticus to define marriage, when clearly we live in a different time and place?  The legal rules regarding marriage, and divorce, for that matter, are more equally applied to both parties these days, so it seems a little desperate to be reaching back so far in history for a ruling on the issue.  

So back to the coming nuptials: 

We are looking forward to the marriage of our kids, David and I not only gain a daughter, but a whole family, we are bound by the marriage of Josh and Liz, through love, no matter what the current law says about it.  We have so much to celebrate!  We hope someday all couples and their families can celebrate in the same way.

[edit]

Bob and Noreen

Bob and Noreen were married July 4, 1996

Bob and Noreen were born and raised in South Dakota, home of that most famous of presidential monuments. They have a deep love for the Black Hills, where they were married on the most American of all holidays: July 4th.

Having met when they were young, they reconnected as adults when both had migrated to the Twin Cites, where they still live. The pull of the Hills is strong, though, and they return there several times a year to reconnect with family and friends, but also with the rugged and beautiful landscape.  South Dakota may not be known for being particularly friendly to 'liberal' ideas, but folks who live there are fiercely independent and proud of it.  I know that Bob and Noreen fiercely believe that it is wrong to create law that denies some people rights that others receive without question.  I know they also fiercely believe that love is love no matter what your gender orientation and that everyone should be able to enjoy the benefits of marriage and that extending these rights to all couples doesn't threaten anyone's particular relationship,  but would create a stronger society overall - one in which all families can thrive.

(I had to include all the photos I shot of them because I think they just speak volumes about who they are:  thoughtful, intelligent, playful people who enjoy each other and bring those qualities to all their relationships.  And yes, Noreen, they are cute).

Sue and Judy

Sue and Judy

Sue and Judy: Together since 1991

When my son Josh was in grade school I was fortunate to have a friend like Sue, who became one of his "Other Moms."  Before Judy came on the scene, Sue lived with her/our friend Margaret, and the two of them were my lifeline as a single mom.  They happily took Josh when I had a date or needed to be out of town and they showered him with love and attention, even took him camping.  

I am forever grateful to them for that and I know he is the man he is today in part, because they were and are in his life. 

I'll never forget when Sue met Judy, I think it must have been love at first sight, but Judy lived in Michigan so for the first year or two it was a long distance romance. It was only a matter of time, though, and Judy eventually made the move to St Paul and soon they had bought a house and they had dogs and cats, mortgages and home improvements, etc etc etc.

Don't let the white hair fool you,  I felt like I was with two teenagers when I took this photo  and heard Judy say "We'd like to get married." It also broke my heart just a little, to hear that, since they have been together for so long and that option just hasn't been available to them.  I'm hoping it won't be too long before she can say "We ARE married." 

Toni and Lisa

Toni and Lisa

Toni and Lisa-Married July 1998 

They were married at Robbinsdale UCC

Probably the most moving and meaningful 

wedding I have ever been witness to.

Laurie and David

Laurie and David

This is me and David--Married: October 1992

What started it all.....

This November in Minnesota we are being asked to vote on an amendment to our state's constitution that would declare marriage between "one man and one woman."  My husband and I oppose this ridiculous amendment for many reasons, not the least of which, it is just wrong to amend the constitution to take away rights, instead of affirm them.  We have many friends and relatives that are in long term, committed, same sex relationships and we find it hard to see any differences in their relationships and those of the 'hetero-sexed' couples we know.  We adamantly support their right to enjoy the same benefits of marriage that we do.  Not that this vote will ensure them these rights, it will just defeat the proposed amendment.

A few years ago, when this issue started heating up, and the idea that same sex marriage hurts traditional marriage was being tossed around, I tried to think of how that could possibly be true.  I could only come up with one scenario in which a same sex couple's relationship could possibly hurt me and my family, and that would be if one of those couples broke up: THAT would hurt me...not their being together, but their splitting apart is what would cause me any hurt or pain.  Fortunately, that has never happened.  Which leads me to another point,  it seems that divorce is rampant in the traditionally married community (I don't even want to mention the uber famous quickie marriage/divorce cases we have heard WAY too much about), and all the people that I know that are in same sex relationships have been so for YEARS...there's no major drama, no cheating, just a long and abiding commitment to one another. Not that they are perfect, they are normal...they argue about money and whose relatives they're going to see over the holidays, and whose turn it is to do the laundry...just like everyone else.

So, this is an issue that is near and dear to me.  It directly affects many people I love and I owe it to them to show them as much support as they have shown me over the years.  

Earlier this summer, the Twin Cities started turning 'orange' as the "Vote No" signs sponsored by Minnesotans United For All Families started popping up.  It was so encouraging,  and I was especially proud of our block, affectionately known as The Shire, when we sported 5 of those signs in our successive yards.  Then, about 2 weeks ago, we noticed that the sign in our neighbor's yard had disappeared.  Anne and Mike credited a blustery wind as being responsible, since the metal frame was still stuck firmly in the grass.   Just this Friday evening we realized our sign was missing, and also that of our next door neighbor, Mara.  We began to wonder if indeed it was a wind that had made off with Anne and Mike's sign.  So, now we were down from five to two.  At first, I was very angry.  Who would stoop so low?  Someone fearful and cowardly, to be sure.  I ranted a little on facebook, but I am tired of ranting, I am tired of listening to others rant, and I am tired of hearing myself rant, so I thought I'd follow a different course.  

Some time ago, I had an idea to make my own sign to show our support for same sex marriage and do it with a little whimsy and fun.  I want to believe it is more effective to try to make an argument using a little honey instead of a hammer, and I wanted to test the theory.  But our friend and neighbor Lisa, generously brought us an official "Vote No" sign, and I really loved the strong show of force we presented with our marching row of orange banners, so I put the idea away. But when our sign was stolen, I thought now I have to make my sign and hopefully draw MORE attention to the cause and make it less likely to be stolen.  

Phase I: I painted up some pickets left over from our fence project a few years ago in bright rainbow stripes,  added some little birds that I had created, made of salvaged pieces cut from a soffit border we had made at our cabin, gave them some wings made from aluminum cans, and I added a metal painted banner that declares that "Marriage is 4 all Love Birds." My husband and I assembled it and gave it a frame for support and it's going in the front yard.  With some stakes and cement pavers, I am hoping that it will remain safely in our yard till this election season is over and this amendment has been defeated!  

Phase II of our master plan will involve trying to get as many couples as we can to take their photo with the sign and then for them to upload the photo to their social media and try to reach as many folks as  possible.  I mean, really?  Who could deny the right to marry to Love Birds, right?  
So give me a shout here, on facebook, or at 4alllovebirds@gmail.com if you want to take a pic with the Birds!!!!

Stay tuned for updates and photos as they come in!